


but i've got an angry heart; filled with cancers and poppy tarts

by space_pilot3000



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Complete, Gen, One Shot, everyone but heathertail sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-30 04:43:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21422380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_pilot3000/pseuds/space_pilot3000
Summary: No one ever tells him so, because who would, but he hears the elders whispering.In WindClan they pray for night births, so the spirits of StarClan can watch over the mother as her kits are born; cats with night births are approved of by their ancestors. Second-best are the kits born in the late afternoon and early evening, when the sun hangs low and red in the sky, reclining on the hills. This is when the rabbits come aboveground to feed, and hunting patrols are most successful. A cat born at this time is destined to be a great warrior.Breezepelt was born at sun-high. None of his ancestors were present. He has no great destiny. Not even his father bothered showing up. The only cats that were there for him were Nightcloud and Barkface and his two sisters, dead on arrival.
Relationships: Breezepelt/Heathertail (Warriors), Crowfeather/Nightcloud (Warriors)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 130





	but i've got an angry heart; filled with cancers and poppy tarts

**Author's Note:**

> frankly, i understand thinking breezepelt is a bad person and should have stayed a villain. he did a lot of crazy bad stuff. what i don't understand is disliking him as a character. as an abused kid myself who always related to him in power of three, i adored him, and crowfeather's trial was like... my hail mary.
> 
> edit 10/16/20: because i've had to deal with a couple of these lately.. please, even if the main intent of your comment is to praise my writing, don't tell me that you think breezepelt never experienced abuse. i don't by any means mind disagreements, but having people tell me this when i disclosed that i relate to him because i had a bad childhood comes off as rude and dismissive. thank you <3

No one ever tells him so, because who would, but he hears the elders whispering.

In WindClan they pray for night births, so the spirits of StarClan can watch over the mother as her kits are born; cats with night births are approved of by their ancestors. Second-best are the kits born in the late afternoon and early evening, when the sun hangs low and red in the sky, reclining on the hills. This is when the rabbits come aboveground to feed, and hunting patrols are most successful. A cat born at this time is destined to be a great warrior.

Breezepelt was born at sun-high. None of his ancestors were present. He has no great destiny. Not even his father bothered showing up. The only cats that were there for him were Nightcloud and Barkface and his two sisters, dead on arrival.

–

The first words he remembers his mother saying are “Don't leave the nursery, Breezekit.”

He does not walk more than a few feet for his first moons, because when he needs to Nightcloud picks him up and moves him. When he gets hungry, Nightcloud feeds him. When he gets bored, Nightcloud plays with him. He tries not to think about Heatherkit, in the den across the way, how she's allowed to go outside and eat rabbit and play with her brothers, and how he could play with them too if Nightcloud would let him.

Crowfeather always comes by at moonhigh and never says a word to Breezekit. He brings prey for them, and he argues with Nightcloud sometimes, but so quietly that Breezekit cannot hear the words. After Crowfeather leaves, Breezekit always asks his mother if she's alright. She lays her head down on her paws and looks at him like he's the whole world.

“I'll always be okay if you stay here with me, Breezekit,” she purrs. “If you ever get hurt, I'll be lost. That's why you need to stay right here by Mommy's side.”

–

When he's apprenticed he doesn't move dens. He still sleeps by Nightcloud's side, sometimes grooms her through the night when he can't sleep or he knows she needs it. Crowfeather and Nightcloud still argue in whispers, but Breezepaw pretends it isn't happening.

At night, when they eat, he addresses each parent separately. They won't speak to one another peacefully, and they won't pretend to for his sake. He's already learned that. When he says, “I caught two rabbits today,” or “Whitetail says I'm really good at defensive maneuvers,” they both say, “Good job,” and they both look at him, but Nightcloud only sees his sisters in him and Crowfeather only sees Nightcloud in him, and he already knows that.

He wonders what it would take for them to see Breezepaw, but he pushes the thought down. He knows if tomorrow he catches three rabbits, if tomorrow he gets Ashfoot's praise instead of Whitetail's, he'll get both their eyes on him again and that's enough.

–

The first time he sneaks out of camp, it's because he's spent the last three nights sharing tongues with Nightcloud while Heatherpaw and her brothers play outside and he's fed up, and he just wants to feel the moon on his back, and he's creeping over the moor with Heatherpaw at his side before he knows it.

For a moment, slinking and then running away from camp, he can feel the blessings he never received at birth. His grandfather Deadfoot, long passed and rarely spoken of, smiles down on him from the stars. Heatherpaw beside him glows with her ancestors' praise. She was a moonhigh birth, of course, perfect.

She asks him why he likes it out here and he says he likes the adventure of being out of camp alone because he knows that that's what she gets out of it: the thrill of breaking rules. He doesn't tell her it's really because he'll never feel the stars in camp. Not confined in a den with Nightcloud. Not the way the rest of the Clan does, sleeping outside most nights.

The stars, he thinks, are the only ones who look at him and see Breezepaw.

Heatherpaw sees him, but she only sees the good – Whitetail's praise, those two rabbits, the adventures he takes her on. When it starts to rain, he leaps into a mud puddle, not caring, and they play-fight like kittens. They come home filthy and Harepaw and Kestrelpaw laugh at them. Breezepaw snaps and calls them mange-pelts before he realizes Heatherpaw was laughing along.

She defends him for the first time that day. She promises them he's great fun when he's not being 'like this.' Already, Breezepaw knows what 'like this' means and he hates it about himself, but it's something he can't escape no matter how hard he tries.

She defends him for the first time that day, but not the last.

–

The first time he meets Brokenstar, he's nine moons old and recognizes him on sight. He's spent enough time in the elders' den picking ticks and listening to stories to know a villain.

Brokenstar sweet-talks him, tells him what a great warrior he's shaping up to be, and asks if his father's ever told him that. When Breezepaw looks in his eyes he sees the same empty, uncaring stare Crowfeather always gives him. He's not tricked by Brokenstar's silver platitudes. He hisses, spits and leaves.

–

Breezepaw isn't sure quite why he hates Lionpaw so much, but just looking at the ThunderClanner makes his nostrils flare and his jaw tighten.

Sometimes, when he's being honest with himself, he thinks maybe it's because Lionpaw's Clan approves of him.

Maybe it's because Lionpaw's mother lets him go on border patrols without fussing.

Maybe it's because Lionpaw's father listens to everything he says, advises him and reassures him.

Maybe it's because Lionpaw's littermates are alive to love him and be his friends.

Maybe it's because when Lionpaw speaks, Heatherpaw doesn't seem to get tired of him.

Maybe because those two actually deserve one another – the golden son of a deputy and the moonhigh daughter of a leader, both courageous and adventurous and perfect. Maybe because Lionpaw never has to be defended by Heatherpaw. Maybe because Heatherpaw never has to explain that Lionpaw's fun when he's not being 'like this.'

Maybe it's because even Crowfeather likes Lionpaw better than his own son.

Maybe, Breezepaw thinks, being honest with yourself is overrated.

–

The second time he meets Brokenstar, he's just finished his fourth season and earned his warrior name.

Brokenstar is a cat who knows what it is to be neglected. His father: a Clan leader who never saw him as good for anything but continuing the family line. His mother: a medicine cat who gave him up because she cared more for her reputation than seeing him raised well. Breezepelt lets him finish his speech, before walking away.

Breezepelt's heart aches at how close to home it hits. But it's wrong and he knows it still.

–

They come home from that Gathering in silence. Nightcloud goes back to the den and tells Breezepelt to fetch her something from the fresh-kill pile. She's so tired, his poor mother, so tired of having to deal with the very worst cat in the forest.

When he closes his eyes, Breezepelt can't help but see Hollyleaf on the branches of the great Gathering trees. If things had been different – if he'd never been born – would Crowfeather have been a good father to her?

When he goes to get prey he passes his father, still shell-shocked, staring at nothing. He takes a deep breath, and his mother's words from his childhood ring in his ears – good for nothing, terrible mate, terrible father, traitorous scum – and he says, “Dad, I-”

He pauses when Crowfeather looks up at him with those empty eyes. Looking straight through him.

“Dad, Onestar told me yesterday he was thinking of giving me an apprentice,” he says, cringing at the hope in his own voice.

“Good for you, Breezepelt,” Crowfeather says. For a half a second, Breezepelt can see how tired his father is. As tired as his mother. They are so very tired of one another, always have been, and Breezepelt is caught in the middle.

“Congratulate him,” comes his mother's mew from behind. Breezepelt turns to see Nightcloud standing there, her lip curled, her tail lashing. “Congratulate our son.”

“I did,” Crowfeather says.

“You don't even see him as your son, do you? I should have known those ThunderClan-” Nightcloud hisses, and Crowfeather cuts her off.

“I didn't ask for this, I came back here and chose you, and I have been faithful to you since-” Crowfeather spits.

“It doesn't matter, you always treated me and Breezepelt like-” Nightcloud, says, advancing, pushing past Breezepelt. He falls to the side, helpless, only able to watch.

“I feed you!” Crowfeather bellows, “I keep you warm and defend you from the Clan when they say-”

“And that's enough, is it, you think that's all there is to raising a-” Nightcloud snarls,

“It's not my fault-” Crowfeather begins,

but Nightcloud leaps, yowling,

and Breezepelt can feel the eyes of the Clan on him and him alone,

and his mother slashes her claws across his father's face,

and Breezepelt can feel his pelt burning with his Clanmates' pity,

and he runs between them,

and screeches,

“Stop!”

Crowfeather's head is low to the ground, his fur out of place, his brow dripping with blood. But even though Breezepelt stands between them now, Crowfeather's blue eyes stare straight over his shoulder to Nightcloud, and they glitter with malice.

“You bitch,” Crowfeather pants.

“Leave my mother alone,” Breezepelt growls. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Kestrelpaw try to rush forward with cobwebs, and Heathertail hold her brother back. Good. He needs this.  
“You're the one that destroyed our family,” Breezepelt says. He realizes it's true as the words come out of his mouth. He hisses, unable to contain his fury.

“Go back to our den, Nightcloud,” he says over his shoulder to his mother. He stares at Crowfeather a moment longer before following her.

–

Nightcloud cries that night, and Breezepelt holds her and listens to her.

“I'm the only cat that ever loved you, Breezepelt, and I'm sorry for that,” she whispers.

Breezepelt leans down to nuzzle her between her shoulderblades. His poor, poor mother. “I know,” he replies. “I know.”

–

The third time Breezepelt meets Brokenstar, the golden boy Lionblaze is his half-brother, his father is a traitor to the Clan, and he's just gotten his mother to sleep after she cried through the night.

The third time Breezepelt meets Brokenstar, it's because Breezepelt seeks him out.


End file.
